I love listening to Radio 4, and have done since the mid 1980s when I decided that I was too old for Radio 1, too young for Radio 2 and not quite posh enough for Radio 3. I couldn’t put up with the adverts on commercial radio and I’m not a sports fan (ruling out Radio 5 Live), and so it appeared that there was only one station left. Radio 4 appeals to my sense of Britishness, especially the shipping forecast and the Archers, although I don’t listen to either regularly. Its listeners (average age 55) also appear to have a similar amount of pedantry that I suffer from. I regularly rage (silently) at the radio at petty things that annoy me. A recent phrase was ‘going forward’. I listen to the Today programme every morning and almost without fail, some politician or other will say something like “Of course, going forward what we shall do is…” In my day, time only ever went forward, so the phrase was never required, but there seems to have been a change that no-one told me about, since everyone now asserts that we are ‘going forward’ with almost each phrase they use. The original annoying phrase was “at the end of the day”, commonly used by trades union officials, but that appears to have lost favour. The current trend is to begin every sentence with the word “so”. Listen to any news report and you will find that the respondents preface every reply with this word. It is as though no-one can begin a sentence without saying “so”, taking a breath and then starting to speak. It isn’t just a Radio 4 phenomenon: listen to Graham Norton’s ‘tales from the red chair’ on Friday night and you’ll hear each narrator begin their tale with ‘so’. I perhaps now owe you an apology, because if you hadn’t noticed these phenomena before, you will now. Don’t mention it: all part of the service.
And another thing, although I love Radio 4, and often listen to Desert Island Discs, the theme tune annoys me. Listen carefully and you will hear the sound of herring gulls. Really? On a desert island? I don’t think so. It isn’t always easy living in my skin.
I fully accept any criticism that I am pedantic. Or as I see it, correct. That isn’t to say I never make mistakes (I do, lots of them!), but I cannot help silently correcting people’s English as they speak, and certainly when they write. (People at work joke that I can’t read a document without a red pen in my hand.) This affliction often detracts from what people are saying, since I get fixated on the poor grammar and then omit to hear or read the actual meaning. I am quite aware of this, and I do try hard to overcome it, but it’s difficult. It is what we now call a conscious bias, which I’m told is better than an unconscious bias. So that’s good.
I think that pedantry goes hand in hand with my slightly compulsive behaviour. By this, I mean that if I load a dishwasher, for example, it has to be done in a certain order, not because I suffer from OCD, but simply because I’ve thought about it, and determined the most efficient way to work. I studied methods-time management years ago, and this appealed to my natural tendency to do things efficiently. I now recognise certain compulsions which others may notice, and kindly ignore, but to me they are simply logical behaviour patterns. It upsets me when I find that toilet rolls have been fitted the wrong way round (they have to go so that the end sheet comes over the top, not from beneath) or if coat hangers do not have the open end facing away, so that the garment can easily be inserted and extracted. Tea bags are often supplied in pairs with perforations between each. When you load such tea bags into a tea caddy, rip the entire batch into singles at once, otherwise it requires each pair to be ripped apart individually. All simple things, but if they are done wrong, it wastes unnecessary time when there is no disadvantage in doing it right the first time.
I have certain routines which I always follow, and if I move away from these, things get forgotten or performed in a sub-optimal way. I never lose my keys, because they always live in the same place, wherever I am. I always carry a cotton handkerchief in my right trouser pocket and a paper tissue in my left. Reason? I know that I can always use the tissue to wipe away stubborn stains, such as oil or blood, which I wouldn’t want to get on my handkerchief. I always used to carry a clean folded handkerchief in my suit pocket just in case anyone ever needed to borrow one (a damsel in distress, perhaps?). Since I was never able to offer such a service, I stopped that habit a few years ago. I always mow the lawn in a particular way, which is the most efficient. I park my car in a very specific way with the road wheels pointing straight ahead which ensures that the next time I start the engine, I can see any dashboard lights warning of dangers.
Little things matter to me and it has been suggested that I may have an over-active efficiency gene. I don’t view this as being peculiar but simply well-organised. I think about what I’m doing, and always try to find the quickest, simplest or most effective way of doing it. I could offer many more examples of such behaviour, which may single me out as being odd, but most people don’t notice unless I point it out. I suspect that there are many others just like me who have yet to ‘come out’. If you recognise these traits in yourself, give me a call – we could start a support group. But only if you do it my way.